Why my eye twitch is back...

Another sad and funny story for you.

So I've got eye twitches periodically in my fretful life. The most infamous follows my incomplete in Hygiene school (Haven't heard that epic tale. Click here. p.s. I almost/always cry every time I re-read it ) Wait don't laugh. That's not the funny part yet. Oh well go ahead.
So my eye twitches usually last a month or so.
It is a fate worse than death. Don't believe me? Think it through. You are going through your day when all the sudden your left eye lid decides it is going to start closing whenever it wants, and it's going to make all your other facial muscles nervous.
You imagine that everyone you come in contact with is staring at your twitchy eye thinking judgy-pitying thoughts at you.
But I thought I have beat the system.
1st eye twitch- Hygiene School- lasted approx. 3 months
2nd eye twitch- Migraines- 21 days
3rd eye twitch-last Thr. - 3 days
But no. It's back. Such a short dormant period... Alas!


Ok so here is the quick synopsis in memorable quotes (If anyone else was present to hear them)
"But why is it so orange?!"
"Bloody!"
"Ah I burned my arm!"
"Bloody!"
"Welcome home Matt"

Still have questions? Alright here's the long version but I tried to avoid it.

So I'm having a day that averages a Level 4 but it's a Level 2 now. Yeah. I'm all like "I'm gonna make dinner like a grown-up-real wife. And guess what in-laws? It's even going to be vegan! Yeah me, right?" No. Not right. So ages ago I bought Vegan Yum Yum the cookbook. Mostly it's more Yuck Yuck but Matt was like "let's just try to be healthy." So we try sometimes. Most of the recipes we both hate but I've spent 2 1/2 hours cooking it. So I AM GOING TO LOVE IT. Matt doesn't have the same motivation so he eats about half. (He eats half because I threatened some awful things after the veggie burger incident. We try not to speak of it.
So I've decided to make more yummy things so we don't hate them> so I don't yell at Matt> so I don't feel like an awful wife for making a yucky dish and then yelling at my husband.
But for whatever reason. Sunday-Night-Grocery-Shopping-Megan was all like "Yeah Vegan Fettuccine Alfredo."
Groan
So I start making it tonight. My procrastination and general trepidation should have been a warning. I mix all the items together in a blender to make the sauce. I love my optimism at this point. I'm putting all these foul smelling things into the blender: nutritional yeast, spicy mustard, nutmeg, paprika...cashews? I keep thinking "When all these things go into the blender, they will transform into delicious Olive Garden Alfredo but healthy." I keep mixing. I keep smiling. Any second now the magic will start. I start the blender. Any second now... Ok now. Say now right before you hiccup. Nothing? Nothing.
It is so yucky looking/smelling. The picture in the book is all white creamy goodness.
I keep shaking the blender " But why is it so orange?!"
The magic never came. I pour the potion down the sink. The magic never came? I rinse the blender. My whole life is a lie!
But even then I'm all cheerful. "It's all right, Megan. Cheer up! Every day is fresh with no mistakes in it yet!" Ah but it's not a new day...
So I grab some can spaghetti sauce from the cupboard. I let it simmer. Then all the sudden *Bing* Genius Idea. I'll make toast to go with this meal. That will save it. That will be my magic! Toast! So simple. I pull out the toaster oven and get to work! I turn the timer to toast and stare at it. The timer goes off. It's not toasted, I've been watching. I turn the timer again. "I've got time to read a little Thursday Next. I'll hear the timer."
I don't hear the timer. It is black. It is the beginning of the end. I pull out the toast and throw it away. I reach around to pull the cord and my forearm touches the toaster oven top for a moment.
"Bloody!" I yell as I pull back my precious burned arm. "Ah I burnt my arm" I yell at the toaster oven. I rush it under some cold water and pout a minute.
* I should have remembered the lesson I learned at the Nation's house. So I'm 10ish maybe and I've spent the night at the Nation's house. I assume Brittany was there. Heck when she hears this story she'll probably say it really happened to her and not me. So any ways it's morning and I want to make a Poptart in the toaster over. There is lots of stuff on the counter and I have to push it back to reach the toaster oven. But a bag of bread got left on top of the toaster oven. I start cooking. I smell a smell that is not S'more Poptart scent. the bag is burning in a massive black charr. The bread is burning. Everything is burning. Peggy is yelling at me. The rest is a blur.*
Back to the present. And I hadn't learned a thing.
Then I hear several noises.
I lift the lid of the sauce to find it runny with black chunks floating in it that are now splattering all over my face and clothes in acid rain. I've burnt the sauce.
I then lift the lid of the pasta as water boils all over the sides.
Enter second "Bloody."

Then poor Matt has to comes in at the end of all of this. We had chick-fil-a for dinner.
And my eye twitch is back.
Plus my stupid arm burn hurts but I don't even have a red mark to show for it!!!
P.S. Matt thinks it the most hilarious thing in the world that "Bloody" is my go-to cuss word.