New Daily Persistent Headache, Writing, and the Joy of Being an Aunt.
Books I have read recently
Shirley by Charlotte Bronte — I'm reading a giant biography of the Brontes "Wild Genius on the Moors" By Juliet Barker (amazing!! but I'll post on that when I finish) So I'm reading each novel as it's discussed in the book. I loved Shirley. I have to agree with the critics that it is a slow painful start and it does take about 150 pages till we meet the title character Shirley. But besides that, it is so well written. Caroline Helstone’s angst is beautiful and poignant. And knowing that the last third of the book was written after Emily & Anne died explains so much about the change in the book. Charlotte likes to fix her world by writing about it and in her version the sick heroine recovers where her sisters did not. I definitely recommend Shirley for the Bronte fan. Don’t skip it.
A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas --- It took me a couple chapters to really dive in but after that I was in love. I had read somewhere that it was based on Beauty & the Beast, which is great. What I did not know is that it is a retelling of one of my favorite fairytales: East of the Sun, West of the Moon!!! What a treat when I discovered that. I love that story. It's whimsical and the girl saves the day which I love love love. Sarah does a beautiful job of it and I can't wait for the next one!!
Shadow Study by Maria V. Snyder— I adore her soul finder books. I’ve been reading them for years. She builds beautiful strong women and sweeping romance. Her magic system is unique and I want to live in her world.
How her heart was broken by an empty co-pilot chair.
Narrated by Cordelia
Note of warning: If you don't want to hear a sad tale don't read this. You've been warned.
And you're not allowed to fuss at me after you read it.
Chapter One: When the sleeping growl
At 2:15 am on the morning of last wednesday, the bed started shaking. Geologist would later track the fault line to the right most side of the bed. Megan's right leg is rocking up and down, back and forth. If one is not familiar with the natural sleep patterns of the Megan, one would not know that this occurrence is always prompted by one thing.
So here be educated:
afemalegivenname. When the subject is a middle child, married to a "Matthew", the following is known to be fact:
1. Subject is highly crafty, creative, and imaginative. If this desire is thwarted or repressed, the subject will become fretful and begin leaking glitter from her pores.
2. Subject is fueled by glitter.
3. Subject is a morning creature. Trying to force a Megan to be nocturnal results in growls and generalized anger at the world.
4. Migraines seek Megans like a crocodile to a pirate.
5. When migraines occur with nausea, subject begins to rock whole body in a repetitive movement trying to negate the circadian rhythm of the body... (See Encarta '95 for full encyclopedia entry)
Well that should bring you up to speed. So the rocking commenced and the generally extremely tolerate husband sighed in his sleep as all his future dreams that evening would take place on a boat.
Chapter Two: Wherein Frank Koppens punches Megan in the face
Upon reading the subject of Chapter Two you are probably very concerned but in some views the punch was deserved. Not in Matt's view but well here are the facts. In Megan's rocking, elusive sleep she had one vivid dream. She is in Barcelona to see the little prince, Sebastian. She glides through the airport scanning the faces for the most handsome one. And she finds him. He is as perfect as the pictures, as his mother, Tania. Megan is pulled by the string in her chest toward him, to hold the little prince. As she approaches Frank comes out of nowhere and punches her in the face, screaming "Why didn't you come to our wedding!?" Well Frank She's sorry. She regrets the giant mess that whole thing turned into but She's here in Barcelona to meet you now... So is everything okay?
After than dream, came the crippling nausea again and an extreme unaccountable anxiety. For the life of her she couldn't recall what she was supposed to be anxious about, so by the same account she couldn't persuade herself that all well.
Chapter Three: No I'm not sad, cleaning teeth is just so beautiful
The morning finally came as all morning do, as unlikely as it seems for the ill-at-sleep. Something was wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Couldn't say "Oh here is the problem. This is why things do not feel right." Things progressed quickly from "I don't feel normal" to "ahh all the things hurt". Megan wanted to call in sick to work but not knowing what was wrong or if staying home would even help, she went. She began to get worried when at about 8:15 while cleaning a patient's teeth, tears began rolling down her eyes. She excused herself for a moment, wiped them away, and gave her eyes a fierce reprimand. A unrelated wave of sadness rolled over her when she realized something wasn't wrong something was broken.The patient didn't notice or didn't comment and the day wore on and ended as all days must. With the ever-present anxiety came two new friends: despair and anger.
Chapter Four: The Depths of Despair and the Mean Reds
Never heard of the "Depths of Despair" or the "Mean Reds" ? Where do you live under a rock? I'm starting to feel I should charge a tuition fee for this short novel.
the depths of despair
[thu dep-th-z ov dih-spair]
state of being
1.loss of hope; hopelessness
2.according to Marrilla Cuthbert: "To despair is to turn your back on God."
3.one cannot be expected to eat while in the depths of despair
state of being
1.a state of being in which a person is filled with fear and anxiety with no apparent cause
2.according to Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's:
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Paul Varjak: Sure. Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!
So as you can guess having the Mean Reds and being in the Depths of Despair at the same times is just about as awful as things can be. And there is never a close enough Tiffany's... Also while all this is going on Megan is having a Level 8 migraine.
Chapter Five: The piece start coming together
Herein our heroine is trying to decide if she is dying or not, when the realization of what is happening comes upon her suddenly. The previous week Megan went to the acupuncturist (that's another tale) and the acupuncturist was very concerned about such a little thing as a Megan taking so many medications. Megan felt the same way, especially if said medicine is not actually doing anything to help. So in a genius move, she decided she would stop taking Nortriptyline. Because it wasn't helping and it meant if she got pregnant on accident her child would have mutant limbs. Matt and Megan had discussed that if they could get a guarantee that the malformed limbs would be functioning say an extra arm or a mermaid fin, they would consider it. But no one could give them that guarantee. So in one of her stupidest moments she starts to wean herself off the medicine.
Day 1: take 50 mgDay 2: Take 25 mg Day 3: Take 10 mgDay 4: Done
HAHAHAHA Yeah right.
She does a little research and this feeling like she is dying is called withdrawal. Here are all the super fun symptoms of withdrawal from Nortiptyline that can last up to 7 MONTHS AFTER YOU STOP TAKING IT.
- Headache √
- Nausea √
- Restlessness √
- Trouble sleeping √
- Vivid dreams √
- Unusual excitement √
"Super. This is really great." She thinks. She has just realized that she is a drug addict. And this thought makes her very sad. But she can't cry. Because that's giving into the madness. Crying is a symptom of the madness. Usually she is all about a good cry. But not now. Not with this. This is too deep.
Chapter Six: The little person who sits in Megan's brain
It is common knowledge that the brain is a sophisticated piece of machinery. It does many mysterious functions. What is not known by scientists, is that under the ruggae and the gray matter there is a control room where a little version of yourself sits pressing buttons. Little Megan was doing a good job running the show until April, when suddenly something broke causing severe migraines all the time. Little Megan checked every synapses, every groove, both hemisphere but she couldn't find it. She couldn't fix it. This is important because this is when she started to feel inadequate. If a different little person were in charge, Little Megan said, they would have figured out how to fix it, how to make Megan feel better. She was letting Megan down and it was killing her.
Chapter Seven: Little Megan falls in love with who she thought was an Edward but turns out to be a Wickham
Primed and ready, it is only so easy for Little Megan to give up the reins of control when someone else says they will take the burden. This is what happens when Nortriptyline enters the picture. We'll call him Nori.
He is so charming. He tells her he will fix things. She doesn't have to worry about things anymore. It's too big of a stress for such a little thing. She practically throws the controls at him. It is so nice to have company that it takes her far too long to realize he isn't helping. That he's just sitting in the co-pilot chair doing what she used to do. Nothing special. Nothing that made any difference. Nothing that fixed anything. But she needs him. She can't let him go. So she ignored the decrees of Reason and the delegates when they took Nori away.
When he wasn't there the first day, she wasn't worried. He is often a little late. She's not sure where he goes but he always comes back. He promised he'd always come back. When it starts to approach day four, she is worried. Very worried. Something must have happened. He must be in danger. She stared with longing at the chair where he used to sit. When day five rolled around, she realized he left and he's never coming back. But what worries her more is that she can't remember how to do things anymore. Nori had been there for 5 months. She hadn't done a thing on her own since then. She hadn't pressed a single button. In her despair and ignorance and emptiness she decides to push allthe buttons. And when she realized the buttons she pushed cause Megan to be in pain, to wish death would come swiftly, she didn't stop pressing the buttons. It was only right the world should suffer as she. She thought romantically this must be how Bella felt when Edward left. This gave her hope to pour like acid in her wounds. That must mean he left thinking it was the best thing for her. He left but he'll come back when he realizes he can't live without her. Little Megan was able to maintain her reign of tyranny for almost four days. When Reason and the other delegates voted to reinstate Nori.
Little Megan is almost sick with joy to see him. He came back. Just like he promised. He tried to make things like they were before. But they couldn't be like that again. She wasn't the same as she was before. She hated how weak she was. She hated how she couldn't function without him. There was such anger in her heart at his betrayal and domination that she couldn't let him back into her heart but she knew now she couldn't live without him. She knew Reason wouldn't let her get over him in her own time. It was selfish of Little Megan to make everyone else suffer for her broken heart. So now she was stuck with him. With horror she realized that Nori was no Edward, he was a Wickham. And they were bound together. Did that make her Lydia? Tears poured down her face but weak as ever she let him have control again. But she vowed next time, when Megan wasn't working anymore, she'd get help from a doctor. They would help her extricate herself from Nori-Wickham. She would be free... Someday.
But here are some cute pictures to distract you from that awful sad story
Yes her shirt does say "Mae. The Last Unicorn" Guess who made it ? lol ;)
"My head feels funny" She says. "How so?" He asks "It feels really full and hurts when I look up or down. But not like vertigo... Like a head full of bees." "Maybe it's your sinuses. Mine felt like that when I had a sinus infection." "Did it feel like a head full of bees." "No..." "Then this is not the same thing because anyone who had this would say 'Yes Megan it does feel exactly like a head full of bees'" ~~~~
So these bees, are really fussy. Especially when I bend up and down repeatedly, like doing laundry. Bending down to grab a shirt, reaching up for a hanger, Back down to put the shirt on the hanger... You get the drift. This is a very unfortunate new development. I wish things would just stay the same kind of awful. I hate these new tricksy kinds.
Things have been bad lately. Here is a fancy chart to illustrated.
Just so we are all on the same page. High Level Migraines (LV 8-10) are bad. We want that number to go smaller. Notice how it has obstinately gotten bigger. It must be the bees. So Matt and I have hypothesized that maybe these evil bees are making/misplacing? my ear stones.
After watching Pushing Daisies (The best show ever on television after Gilmore Girls, may they rest in peace) , I was all like "Matt I want a bee hive. I'll make honey. And the bees will love me. I'll be just like Chuck, Charlotte Charles, except I won't be undead." Matt said "Hmm We'll think about it dear." There may or may not have been feet stamping involved, we don't need to go into the specifics. So I'm not sure how I did it but I've got my bees. Ha Matt! This is not turning out how I envisioned it. Maybe you should make me more pies :)
So I start with an acupuncturist soon. I am now entering Phase Yellow of my migraine treatment plan. Bob Allen told me to pick one with "slanty eyes and yellow skin." And of course I did that. I think Dr. Ling fits the bill. I'll keep you posted.
Phase Aqua starts in two weeks when I get a new neurologist. And force them to poke me with Botox.
...Living the Dream But in good news, surprisingly cold cucumber slices help me feel better for like 30 mins! Yeah! And it smells lovely.
The unending bitterness that Harry Potter is not real.
You know exactly what I mean by that. It hits you at sudden, inexplicable moments and the despair can be crippling. There is no Hogwarts. There is no magic.
But even as I type the words that make tears spring forth from your eyes... I'll never truly believe it. It is in my nature to try to catch a glimpse behind the veil. It is in my nature to believe that Nessie is real. I mean come on, listen.
1. There were dinosaurs.
2. There was a flood.
3. We know at least one 'sea serpent' survived. The Bible mentions it 6 times! The Leviathan Job 41.
4. Is it really such a leap then that the Lock Ness Monster is alive. Picture it, the flood water is receding. Nessie is swimming happily, the whole world is a big lake. But the deep canyons are getting shallower. The next day she is blocked from the ocean. She can't get back. Land has divided her from life. Her prison is Loch Ness. But God must have loved Nessie because the water is so naturally murky, and full of under water tunnels that she can have a full safe life.
One last obstacle though right? How long ago was the flood? A long time. How can Nessie still be alive?
5. There are animals that live eternally. Jellyfish. The can't die of old age.
How did I get to Nessie? Oh yeah.
So even though J.K. made up Harry Potter, I am still holding out hope...
You've probably realized he's our last hope.
And he's also the closest to 11.
Jake, have you noticed things happening by just thinking them? Did you remove the glass of the snake exhibit at the zoo and trap your father in there. (Everyone just giggle at that mental picture) Do you have a scar....
That fateful July wasn't fireworks, it was Lord Voldemort. How could we not realize that. It's so obvious now. I'm sorry I didn't dive in front of Jake cause then he'd have a layer of protection on him but I did dunk him in nasty lake water so we'll call it even.
Ok, Jake. When you get your acceptance letter to Hogwarts. Remember who got you that awesome toothbrush? Aunt Megan. Remember who 'let' you have x-rays taken when you got your teeth cleaned last week? Aunt Megan. Who plays video games with you? Aunt Megan.
So here's what I want.
A house elf. Just one. I'll share it with Matt.
When I was reading the books, I was all with Hermoine.
S.P.E.W. Forever. Free the house elves.
But now that I'm closer to an invalid... It would be super awesome to have someone make meals every day and clean the house and apparate me home from work and lay cold washcloths on my eyes. Maybe I should just get a wife lol. Just kidding Matt.
But Jake I'd like one.
Even though, I've yet to find real magic or a unicorn. I have seen miracles.
So you all remember my vertigo? my super power. So usually when it comes it lasts for 2-5 days. Last wednesday my vertigo started at 3pm. I sent out prayer texts and by 5:30 I was healed.
I will take the Lord's miracle over magic any day.
Here is the proof. at 5:30
That's me with my head upside down. Can't do that with vertigo.
Ben Pictures :)
Someone was determined to spend the evening fussy but Aunt Brittany wouldn't hear any of it.
So anyway, I have an addendum to that. When I am in pain or discomfort all thoughts leak out of my head in a rush. There is suddenly nothing in my mind but me and the pain. I am pulling at tendrils of memory. Please, something, anything to distract me. And eventually I find something. It is always the most bizarre things. Like in the past post where all I could think of was 1 Corinthians 13. I would repeat it over and over until the procedure was done and all the infection was scooped out of my wisdom tooth socket. Now that's a good thing to repeat over and over... But most of the time it's absolutely stupid things.
These are other things I quote to myself in times of turmoil. 1.Hope is the thing with feather by Emily Dickinson This poem has always meant a lot to me. I have a Pandora charm of a bird just from it. God always leaves a remnant of hope. 2.The New Colossus by Emma Lazarus The quote on the Statue of Liberty (funny as it is that I know that) I know you probably aren't surprised. "Megan the 'sensitive' middle child always liked 'poems' you say. Why did you put poems in quotation? You uncultured last born! 3. "I love you always forever, near and far closer together. Everywhere I will be with you... "(You know the song lol ) 4. Jane Eyre Chapter 27. You may recall I have a obsessive fascination with this chapter. I can almost quote all of it now. Helpful in times like these. And this one most certainly falls in the category of "ridiculous". It's the saddest chapter in the book. Like how New Moon is my fav. twilight book. Before you argue that Breaking Dawn is the best, it's not. Jacob is all like "Yeah I know your child was just born but she's mine, Bella" Ugh! That makes me so mad! 5.Musicals (Les Miserables & Wicked) Thank you God for musicals.They take the most time to recite and I know them best.
So what are these awful times when I must divert myself with the written arts? 1. Dental Work (Yeah yeah I get the irony) 2. MRI (really as not fun as you think it is) I'm surprised I didn't blog about the whole experience... maybe another time. 3. Giving blood (I am a super baby) 4, Massages
"Oh you poor thing" you say sarcastically. "What a tough life you have that massages are on your list of 'awful times' ". Oh my friend you have no idea.
So I'll back up a little bit.
Remember the intimate connection, we are like the octopus boy on "My Shocking Story" on TLC. He has eight limbs. The extra four are from his dead twin he absorbed. Gross Huh? so that's me and my migraines. Now that I finish writing it, it doesn't really make sense.
No, I've got it. Migraines and I are like tree man from "My Shocking Story" on TLC. He's got all these growths on his body that make him look like a tree. (They are really warts) So anyways the documentary follows him on his journey where a fancy American doctor is all like "I can fix this poor Indian man. He'll be as right as rain." End of story... they grow back. It's really sad.
Yeah we are more like tree man. And I may watch a little too much TLC but you watched "My Big Fat Gypsy Weddings" Right? So awesome
okay so massages seemed like a really great idea. I'm sure some "fancy American doctor" told me to do it. I can't recall ever subjecting myself purposefully to such intense pain.
Apparently, I'm like the guy who comes into my office and hasn't had his teeth cleaned in 5o years. The kind of patient that makes me sweat and scowl and say "bloody" in my head.
That's the kind of massage patient I am. My massage therapist feels really bad but like me she knows she has to get it out and fix it or I'll never feel better. So by the end of our first appointment she's got me lamaze breathing as she "squeezes toothpaste out of my neck". She made up the analogy not me. So to keep myself from shaking or pushing her off I try to occupy my mind with distraction, like those in the beginning of the post.
And I've been back like 6 times in the past two months. I'm sad to say the data does not agree with the fancy American doctor.
This is your emergency broadcast signal. This is not a test. The whole world is in an Earthquake Alert Repeat: This is not a test.
You have been warned...
P.S. unfortunate update. So I've got vertigo again.......... And I can't even look up to kiss Matt
P.S.S. How I survive 1. Having since childhood firmly believing I was a princess, I have always walked with a head held high 2. I have excellent dexterity with my toes (from my mother) so I can grab things without having to look or bed over
**Enter creepy music** It comes in the night... Knocking things over and moaning in pain There is one thing it wants And one thing it always gets If you are lucky, you'll be asleep But in the morning you'll find proof it was there...
Du Du Dum... Return of the Half Eaten Pudding Cup Monster
You are perplexed. It is only natural when confronted with an abomination such a this You wonder :Why does it eat only a few bites and leave the remnants strewn about the house? a. Is the pudding bad?-----------No it's delicious chocolate pudding b. Is the monster trying to share?--------No because the pudding goes bad laying "strewn about the house" c.Is it a booby trap laid for other monsters? If the other half drugged? No and No. There are no other monster indigenous to this region.
Does the monster ever come out in the day? a. Sometimes but its extremely rare
Alright it's time you knew before you discovered it on your own... I'm the Half Eaten Pudding Cup Monster. :( "Why?" You ask wailing and clutching your heart. A million reasons but one at a time
I eat pudding when I'm having a very bad migraine.
Not enough? Gosh who are you the question police? I eat pudding because I'm so nauseous from the pain I can't stand and I need to eat something when I take my serious pain pill to make it stop. There.
Why pudding? Why at night? There are like a million things you could eat instead. Pudding involves all the hassle of a spoon. a. That was two questions. You, cheater. b. Pudding can successful be eaten with my eyes closed. c. Pudding is dense enough that I can eat it in the reclined position with my eye mask on. d. My years of dental hygienist-ing have given me excellent hand eye coordination so I am mostly successful.
Why only half? a. Because I'm super nauseous and I can only choke down half.
Matt is extremely tolerant of the Half Eaten Pudding Cup Monster. It helps he doesn't have a great love of pudding and has a great love of staying alive.
I had hoped to never transform into this monster again... But I've been in a bad spell since Sunday. I feel like I'm living on a hairpin. Stray but a little... So keep your pudding cups close... You've been warned. But I've now got a membership at Massage Envy (That will be my magic. I'm sure of it) We won't discuss how much this magic costs...
Hey look at me, I'm posting a blog about good days. Yeah. (It probably won't be funny, so don't get excited) Ok first pictures. You probably remember. September 25th, 2011. You don't remember? Double Rainbows!!!!!!! Did you get that? Two rainbows!! Look closely. I was amazed. That goes up on my list of favorite days. It's before finishing my halloween costume but definitely behind seeing Sheila on the cruise.
Second set of pictures. Matt & I went uptown for our pre-anniversary-let's-get-away-so-we-dont'-kill-everyone trip. We traversed the uptown bridges like nobody's business. Ok Matt is looking at me. I'll be honest. So we went back and forth like a million times over the weekend but everytime we were at a crossroads I would make the wrong choice and stubbornly not be moved by Matt's gentle nudges. If I was dropped off in there by myself I would totally be killed my a janitor because I couldn't find my way outside. But here are the happy moments: The rainbow hallway! Are you sensing a theme on what makes me happy?
Matt's happy skip.
Later we went to Crave:A dessert bar. Super Cool!! Ok so funny story. I don't really carry a purse when we are on vacation because it's a pain. So I left my purse/I.D. in the hotel room. We get to the bar and the bouncer is like "I need to see I.D.s. No one under 21 on Saturdays. (Preface: I don't do well with confrontation. That was an understatement) So I squeak out. "I don't have an I.D. on me." Matt says "She's my wife." Like hello stupid bouncer let us in before I have go to all "Megan's White Knight" on you. Bouncer says "How old are you?" Again I squeak out "23. My birthday is april 28th 1988." See I'm really 23! Let me eat desserts. Oh never mind I just want to go home. Well he let us in apparently he realized what an awful liar I'd be and that I must be telling the truth. So I get an awesome creme brulee with orange sorbet. Matt then precedes to get the only thing on the menu that comes with it's own fire... S'mores
I was concerned.
So Today: I had a level 1-3 day and what do I waste it on? Working out. I'm so stupid. I should have done something awesome like horseback riding or kitten rescuing or make dinner. But I can feel my temples starting to pulse so it doesn't seem like it will last... Think of rainbows.