So I had round two of Botox in November and it tried it's very best to kill me again. Each time i've had Botox, a couple days later I get deathly ill. I'm not exaggerating. There is no way to express to you how horrible it is. Only Jessica or Candace can understand. But for the rest of you I'll try ;)
1. Throwing up every 10 minutes for the rest of my life
2. It's so violent that after a couple times my core and chest are so sore I have trouble breathing
3. My head does not like all this jerking around nonsense so it's trying to explode
4. It doesn't let up. I feel no relief in between. It just gets worse and worse until I have to go to the hospital to make it end or die.
So I'm super excited for round three... I must be a bit of a masochist. But seriously I am very anxious and fearful to go through that again. This time my doctor will give me some anti-nausea medicine and a round of cortisone? We'll see. The good thing is that he believes me. After this happened the first time he was like "No it's just the flu." And I'm like "um no but I'll try this again just in case." So now he's like "Ok I've never heard of this in my 25 years of Botox but I guess your just 'sensitive' to the pain." Ugh eye rolls. Well I'll take it.
Round 3 February 27th duh duh duhhhh
Do you see what this means. In the last 150 days, I have had 3 days with only a low level headache. Not 3 headache free days. No no I can't even tell you the last time that happened.
Unfortunately all my suffering has yielded no results. It goes from horrible worst months ever to normal pre Botox months. No relief. No 50% reduction.
My neurologist has started to prepare me that there are people who cannot be cured. Who are resistant to treatment. He says "But be positive. Hopefully that's not you." But that fact that i've seen no improvement from Botox is not a good sign for him. If round 3 doesn't work than he says I could try "you know that meditation stuff or relaxation or whatever." Oh good thanks. I'm glad we have a plan B you believe in...
Chapter 2 What my life looks like
I wake up at about 11am because I have gone to bed at 1:30. I do this for many reasons.
1. This is the best way to see my husband as he is mostly nocturnal. He takes great joy that he has broken me and I no longer go to bed at 9pm.
2. The early mornings are the worst for my head. Something about the severity and sharpness of the sunlight. And the fact that it's such a long time till it will be dark again.
As you may have noticed, I have a very strong aversion to light. Especially sunlight. That is one of my biggest triggers. In our home the we rarely turn the lights on. And then only one or two. Matt is being a trooper but he sometimes misses the light. He has yet to evolve to my level of 0% need of light. Those who need "lights" to function are weak.
I usually have to nap at least once a day. This helps my medicine to activate and it usually helps calm the pain. Also it decreases the hours until the sun goes down. Come to think of it, I may just be suffering from vampirism.
Chapter 3 Why we aren't having children right now and why it's honestly none of your business.
So the frequency with which I am told I need to have children has only gone up since I've had my migraines. Which is horrible. Because it means that people think I'm a liar. They don't believe things are as horrible as I say. They say "headaches aren't that bad". Think now to your last headache. When was it? Last week? Last month? Now times that by a million and make it every day for the rest of the foreseeable future. That's my life.
You may say "well I know this lady who knows a lady who's migraines (which were much worse than yours) got better after she had kids. So don't you think you should try that?" Heck no. What if that gamble doesn't work? Now I have a child that cries all day, can only be fed by me, and probably shouldn't live in the dark its whole life. You are giving this poor innocent baby the worst mother ever, who is incapable of caring for it. So everyone needs to stop bullying me and accept that what's best right now is for me to be trying everything in the world to get better. So then I can have all the babies the world thinks I should be having.
Chapter 4 Physical Therapist: Never-ending Money suck or Life Saver
I start with a new physical therapist on wednesday. I am entering with a little trepidation. I have seen many PTs in the course of my search for the cure and have had little to no improvement and have wasted lots and lots of money. But I'm a trying a new breed so we'll see how it goes.
Chapter 5 Sheila the best thing in my life
-My Best Friend -My Sister -My Mother -My Mentor -My Doctor
I met my dear darling Sheila when I was 16. She was my table group leader at church. And she let me really flex my wings as a leader. I say 'let' but i really didn't give her a choice and she got to force feed me tea until I loved it. I knew she had migraines but wasn't something i thought about. I had my own problems. I was a kid and I was moving to Charlotte soon. But our friendship endured. Cue migraines:
I don't know what I would do without her council and listening ear. Because as much as people want to understand me, they can't. Because they have never been here. (Thank goodness.) But Sheila has been to the depths and come back. It has always been an unsurpassable joy to know her but now her worth cannot be measured. She understand. She knows. And it is like letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding and taking a fresh new breath at last.
I wish she didn't know. Just like she wishes I didn't. but migraines have attacked both of us and we know another side of life. We talked on the phone for hours the other day, just commiserating together but somehow it really was the laughter of acceptance. We sigh and say Yeah me too. And then laugh when the other person shares a really horrible side effects. We talk of how stinkin much Botox hurts. We talk about how doctors don't find us interesting enough. We talk about the desperate search for a cure.
It's so nice to talk candidly and open and have the other person chuckle instead of gasp. It's never so bad after I've talked to Sheila.
I know that God is the great Healer but I do not know why I am not healed. I truly believe it is just a side effect of our broken world. And I've mostly come to terms with it. But if God only gave Sheila to help me survive this struggle, I could not give her up.
I thank my God, every time I think of you.