New Daily Persistent Headache, Writing, and the Joy of Being an Aunt.
Books I have read recently
Shirley by Charlotte Bronte — I'm reading a giant biography of the Brontes "Wild Genius on the Moors" By Juliet Barker (amazing!! but I'll post on that when I finish) So I'm reading each novel as it's discussed in the book. I loved Shirley. I have to agree with the critics that it is a slow painful start and it does take about 150 pages till we meet the title character Shirley. But besides that, it is so well written. Caroline Helstone’s angst is beautiful and poignant. And knowing that the last third of the book was written after Emily & Anne died explains so much about the change in the book. Charlotte likes to fix her world by writing about it and in her version the sick heroine recovers where her sisters did not. I definitely recommend Shirley for the Bronte fan. Don’t skip it.
A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas --- It took me a couple chapters to really dive in but after that I was in love. I had read somewhere that it was based on Beauty & the Beast, which is great. What I did not know is that it is a retelling of one of my favorite fairytales: East of the Sun, West of the Moon!!! What a treat when I discovered that. I love that story. It's whimsical and the girl saves the day which I love love love. Sarah does a beautiful job of it and I can't wait for the next one!!
Shadow Study by Maria V. Snyder— I adore her soul finder books. I’ve been reading them for years. She builds beautiful strong women and sweeping romance. Her magic system is unique and I want to live in her world.
How her heart was broken by an empty co-pilot chair.
Narrated by Cordelia
Note of warning: If you don't want to hear a sad tale don't read this. You've been warned.
And you're not allowed to fuss at me after you read it.
Chapter One: When the sleeping growl
At 2:15 am on the morning of last wednesday, the bed started shaking. Geologist would later track the fault line to the right most side of the bed. Megan's right leg is rocking up and down, back and forth. If one is not familiar with the natural sleep patterns of the Megan, one would not know that this occurrence is always prompted by one thing.
So here be educated:
afemalegivenname. When the subject is a middle child, married to a "Matthew", the following is known to be fact:
1. Subject is highly crafty, creative, and imaginative. If this desire is thwarted or repressed, the subject will become fretful and begin leaking glitter from her pores.
2. Subject is fueled by glitter.
3. Subject is a morning creature. Trying to force a Megan to be nocturnal results in growls and generalized anger at the world.
4. Migraines seek Megans like a crocodile to a pirate.
5. When migraines occur with nausea, subject begins to rock whole body in a repetitive movement trying to negate the circadian rhythm of the body... (See Encarta '95 for full encyclopedia entry)
Well that should bring you up to speed. So the rocking commenced and the generally extremely tolerate husband sighed in his sleep as all his future dreams that evening would take place on a boat.
Chapter Two: Wherein Frank Koppens punches Megan in the face
Upon reading the subject of Chapter Two you are probably very concerned but in some views the punch was deserved. Not in Matt's view but well here are the facts. In Megan's rocking, elusive sleep she had one vivid dream. She is in Barcelona to see the little prince, Sebastian. She glides through the airport scanning the faces for the most handsome one. And she finds him. He is as perfect as the pictures, as his mother, Tania. Megan is pulled by the string in her chest toward him, to hold the little prince. As she approaches Frank comes out of nowhere and punches her in the face, screaming "Why didn't you come to our wedding!?" Well Frank She's sorry. She regrets the giant mess that whole thing turned into but She's here in Barcelona to meet you now... So is everything okay?
After than dream, came the crippling nausea again and an extreme unaccountable anxiety. For the life of her she couldn't recall what she was supposed to be anxious about, so by the same account she couldn't persuade herself that all well.
Chapter Three: No I'm not sad, cleaning teeth is just so beautiful
The morning finally came as all morning do, as unlikely as it seems for the ill-at-sleep. Something was wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Couldn't say "Oh here is the problem. This is why things do not feel right." Things progressed quickly from "I don't feel normal" to "ahh all the things hurt". Megan wanted to call in sick to work but not knowing what was wrong or if staying home would even help, she went. She began to get worried when at about 8:15 while cleaning a patient's teeth, tears began rolling down her eyes. She excused herself for a moment, wiped them away, and gave her eyes a fierce reprimand. A unrelated wave of sadness rolled over her when she realized something wasn't wrong something was broken.The patient didn't notice or didn't comment and the day wore on and ended as all days must. With the ever-present anxiety came two new friends: despair and anger.
Chapter Four: The Depths of Despair and the Mean Reds
Never heard of the "Depths of Despair" or the "Mean Reds" ? Where do you live under a rock? I'm starting to feel I should charge a tuition fee for this short novel.
the depths of despair
[thu dep-th-z ov dih-spair]
state of being
1.loss of hope; hopelessness
2.according to Marrilla Cuthbert: "To despair is to turn your back on God."
3.one cannot be expected to eat while in the depths of despair
state of being
1.a state of being in which a person is filled with fear and anxiety with no apparent cause
2.according to Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's:
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Paul Varjak: Sure. Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!
So as you can guess having the Mean Reds and being in the Depths of Despair at the same times is just about as awful as things can be. And there is never a close enough Tiffany's... Also while all this is going on Megan is having a Level 8 migraine.
Chapter Five: The piece start coming together
Herein our heroine is trying to decide if she is dying or not, when the realization of what is happening comes upon her suddenly. The previous week Megan went to the acupuncturist (that's another tale) and the acupuncturist was very concerned about such a little thing as a Megan taking so many medications. Megan felt the same way, especially if said medicine is not actually doing anything to help. So in a genius move, she decided she would stop taking Nortriptyline. Because it wasn't helping and it meant if she got pregnant on accident her child would have mutant limbs. Matt and Megan had discussed that if they could get a guarantee that the malformed limbs would be functioning say an extra arm or a mermaid fin, they would consider it. But no one could give them that guarantee. So in one of her stupidest moments she starts to wean herself off the medicine.
Day 1: take 50 mgDay 2: Take 25 mg Day 3: Take 10 mgDay 4: Done
HAHAHAHA Yeah right.
She does a little research and this feeling like she is dying is called withdrawal. Here are all the super fun symptoms of withdrawal from Nortiptyline that can last up to 7 MONTHS AFTER YOU STOP TAKING IT.
- Headache √
- Nausea √
- Restlessness √
- Trouble sleeping √
- Vivid dreams √
- Unusual excitement √
"Super. This is really great." She thinks. She has just realized that she is a drug addict. And this thought makes her very sad. But she can't cry. Because that's giving into the madness. Crying is a symptom of the madness. Usually she is all about a good cry. But not now. Not with this. This is too deep.
Chapter Six: The little person who sits in Megan's brain
It is common knowledge that the brain is a sophisticated piece of machinery. It does many mysterious functions. What is not known by scientists, is that under the ruggae and the gray matter there is a control room where a little version of yourself sits pressing buttons. Little Megan was doing a good job running the show until April, when suddenly something broke causing severe migraines all the time. Little Megan checked every synapses, every groove, both hemisphere but she couldn't find it. She couldn't fix it. This is important because this is when she started to feel inadequate. If a different little person were in charge, Little Megan said, they would have figured out how to fix it, how to make Megan feel better. She was letting Megan down and it was killing her.
Chapter Seven: Little Megan falls in love with who she thought was an Edward but turns out to be a Wickham
Primed and ready, it is only so easy for Little Megan to give up the reins of control when someone else says they will take the burden. This is what happens when Nortriptyline enters the picture. We'll call him Nori.
He is so charming. He tells her he will fix things. She doesn't have to worry about things anymore. It's too big of a stress for such a little thing. She practically throws the controls at him. It is so nice to have company that it takes her far too long to realize he isn't helping. That he's just sitting in the co-pilot chair doing what she used to do. Nothing special. Nothing that made any difference. Nothing that fixed anything. But she needs him. She can't let him go. So she ignored the decrees of Reason and the delegates when they took Nori away.
When he wasn't there the first day, she wasn't worried. He is often a little late. She's not sure where he goes but he always comes back. He promised he'd always come back. When it starts to approach day four, she is worried. Very worried. Something must have happened. He must be in danger. She stared with longing at the chair where he used to sit. When day five rolled around, she realized he left and he's never coming back. But what worries her more is that she can't remember how to do things anymore. Nori had been there for 5 months. She hadn't done a thing on her own since then. She hadn't pressed a single button. In her despair and ignorance and emptiness she decides to push allthe buttons. And when she realized the buttons she pushed cause Megan to be in pain, to wish death would come swiftly, she didn't stop pressing the buttons. It was only right the world should suffer as she. She thought romantically this must be how Bella felt when Edward left. This gave her hope to pour like acid in her wounds. That must mean he left thinking it was the best thing for her. He left but he'll come back when he realizes he can't live without her. Little Megan was able to maintain her reign of tyranny for almost four days. When Reason and the other delegates voted to reinstate Nori.
Little Megan is almost sick with joy to see him. He came back. Just like he promised. He tried to make things like they were before. But they couldn't be like that again. She wasn't the same as she was before. She hated how weak she was. She hated how she couldn't function without him. There was such anger in her heart at his betrayal and domination that she couldn't let him back into her heart but she knew now she couldn't live without him. She knew Reason wouldn't let her get over him in her own time. It was selfish of Little Megan to make everyone else suffer for her broken heart. So now she was stuck with him. With horror she realized that Nori was no Edward, he was a Wickham. And they were bound together. Did that make her Lydia? Tears poured down her face but weak as ever she let him have control again. But she vowed next time, when Megan wasn't working anymore, she'd get help from a doctor. They would help her extricate herself from Nori-Wickham. She would be free... Someday.
But here are some cute pictures to distract you from that awful sad story
Yes her shirt does say "Mae. The Last Unicorn" Guess who made it ? lol ;)